I didn’t go to the gym this morning as usual. My alarm went off at the same time it does every day, 4:40 am, but we laid in bed snuggled for warmth. We haven’t done this for weeks—skipped the gym. After turning off snooze and agreeing we would sleep in today, he went back to sleep soundly while I endlessly scrolled. I know better than to do this—digest meaningless and toxic information so early in the day—but I always do it. I really just need to keep my phone away from me, but the urge to see what everyone else in the world is doing is far too strong.
Stronger than taking that precious time in the morning to meditate and calm my mind, visualize, and manifest. Instead, I chose to consume. No wonder I woke up still feeling angry from the weekend.
I have been working hard on myself, trying my best to focus on my mind and attitude, be above it, and move on from feelings of resentment and anger, but I can’t get over the last few days. As you get older, you realize you’re changing, as are others, and not always for the better. I was belittled by a dear friend, and I realized the new city they were living in, their nice high-paying job could have definitely contributed.
Right now, I am jobless, having left what I thought was my dream of being an optometrist to pursue my true passions and follow my entrepreneurial destiny. Though following my dreams was clearly hard to be seen over the weekend, and my lack of a high-paying job defined me more in my dear friend’s eyes. My value had decreased in their eyes. Were the belittling comments to fluff their fragile, insecure ego, a tactic to make themselves feel better, or true unconscious disgust at my lack of current income? I woke up feeling angry and upset with my newfound lack of respect.
But if there is one thing about me, it’s that I love a challenge and I love proving others wrong. I know my worth, and I know all my ideas are important and are worth something. I am worthy of success, I am worthy of an amazing life filled with abundance and happiness. I know what I want, and I know I will get it, and when I do, I will have the last laugh.
Another positive thing that came out of the weekend filled with belittlement is extensive amounts of love and support from my boyfriend. We are closer together and both understand one another in a way it feels no one else does. I can’t wait to write in here one day that I have made it. I know I will.
Sincerely,
Millennial Big Sis